Thursday, 8 September 2011

Dear Dad...

Dear Dad,

How are you?  Hope all is well on your side of the world.  

I am sure you already know, Uncle passed away last night.  Did you come to pick him up?  Were Grandpa and Grandma with you, along with Irene?

Saying goodbye is never easy, is it?  No matter how prepared you think you are?  No matter how much time you have to say goodbye to someone you love.

I still wonder, often, whether I will ever see you, Irene, Grandpa and Grandma again.  What really happens after people die?  Do you really go to Heaven (or Hell), do you come back to another life or do you become fish food?

Dad, you are so far away, are you happy? Are you really in a place with no pain, sadness or suffering?  Are you with the rest of the family? Can you really see me from where you are?  Can you really hear me when I sometimes talk to you?  It seems a bit silly really, but it makes missing you less painful, when I believe you can hear me.

I had a dream about Irene when I was traveling. I didn't remember she was dead in my dream, it was rather odd. In my dream, she had really grown, she had long, black and silky hair, she was really tall and slim, like a supermodel.  And she looked happy.  

Some Chinese believe that when you dream about dead people, it's really them trying to tell you something. I want to believe Irene was trying to tell me she was happy.  Is she happy?  Does she think about me, like the way I think of her? Does she miss me too, or are you not supposed to feel sadness in Heaven?
Every time when I experience death, it brings back all the memories. 

I can still see everything like it was yesterday.  I can still see your smile, your eyes...I can still hear your voice, your laughter. I can still see you by my side, teaching me how to ride a bicycle. I can still see you sitting next to me, teaching me how to do long divisions. I can still see you running around, playing football with us. I can still see you lying in that hospital bed, making me promise to finish school and to look after mum.

I didn't realize Dad, that you have been gone for almost 20 years.  

I never really got the chance to say goodbye to you, did I?  I was in England, and you were in Hong Kong.  But I was lucky enough to say goodbye to you on the phone and I am lucky enough to be loved by the rest of your family, the rest of OUR family.  There is a lot of love around me, and it's because you loved them so much when you were here.

Dad, after your death, I honor you by living life to the fullest. I may not be a millionaire or coolest looking girl in town.  But I am healthy and happy and I have a loving husband who loves me to bits.  I wouldn't doubt it if he loves me as much as you did.

I am sad that Uncle is gone, but I am also happy because he no longer has to suffer, and that I believe he is in a much better place.  I guess all of you will be playing mahjong every day!

Take care and say hi to everyone for me. Don't forget to come back into my dreams more, and bring the rest of the troops with you!

I miss you, Dad.

Love you always,